Distance

I have learned to create safe distance in relationships. It allows me to watch (important when you grow up an observer) for patterns, shifts, concerns, habits… It allows me to dissect and interrogate nuance. It allows me to run.

It also allows me to show up, be present. Because I am not too far to be oblivious. I am not too close to not see needs, worries, weight, hopes, stressors, tells, and other things some are too close to recognize.

It’s a gift and a curse. To both of us.

It’s hard. I grew up an only child. I have siblings. But thanks to how my father managed relationships, I didn’t get to grow up around them. I’m my mother’s only. She was the oldest of her siblings and she had me at 16. I watched her relationships and the relationships of my aunts and uncles. It was the same on my father’s side. He was 17 when I was born. The second oldest, but oldest in the house. Looking at both sides there is more divorce and break ups than happiness. There is more restoration and healing than soul mate and forever. When do I think the models I had of what it means to stick it out and stay together, I have seen sickness and death end those timelines way too early.

I know loyalty. I know support. I know how to encourage. I know how to bridge moments. I know how to give space. I know how to make each moment matter. That is the work I consider to be obligation for those I get to share time and space with. You earn what you get. You work for what matters.

I don’t have a fear of commitment. I have a fear of what can make commitment crumble. So I am very careful with committing. Because I don’t want to lose anything I’ve committed to.

I can’t stand failing. I can’t stand falling short. I don’t like to let anyone down.

I keep a safe distance.

I don’t care less. I care a lot. I don’t think less. I think a lot. I have come to temper myself. Siphoning myself out where I feel its necessary or appropriate. Kinds strange for someone as large as myself.

I do it. Manage myself. Say I will be happy when I find a space I don’t have to do that. A haven. Honestly, I will find happiness when I don’t feel like I have to do that. Freedom.

I have met some amazing folks. I have tried to be valuable while I was with them and to value what they gave me. I have learned to listen and to talk. To think through when things aren’t working. To stop things and not unravel them.

I have learned to be ok being honest with myself. To be ok with someone else’s honesty. To know we are better in service to what works for us. To resist this world that makes us question the formula to our own happiness and tries to gives broken formulas and inadequate fixes.

I left behind being “good” a long time ago. It was too much of a justification for the distance and was too narrowing. I replaced with a dedication to be solid. I’ve grown a lot. I’ve gained a lot. There are people in my life I appreciate so much. They have helped me be better and I hope I have done the same for them.

But I still have to unpack what “good” and “smart” mean to a young man growing up. How to redefine those things. How often they confined emotions, vulnerability, trauma, frailty.

If you’re wondering…no I don’t take compliments well.

I hate when people congratulate you as they are leaving you. It just feels empty. A parting gift intended to make you feel better. It never does. It just complicates things. Makes it harder to trust the next compliment.

I’ve had quite a few folks leave while giving glowing reviews.

Then again, the man who made me has loved me from safe distance for the entirety of my life.

I’m an artist. Many people have loved me from a safe distance for the majority of my career.

One day I will be close with someone. We will both unpack and fill the space around us and not between us with all that we carry. Then we will set it all on fire and dance by the bonfire.

I truly believe that.

I will keep preparing for the day.

#vulnerabletogether #wegrowweheal