40to40: 40 posts for 40 days until turning 40
So I have an ongoing war of wits and will with a poet and speaker named Tavis Brunson. We have been challenging each other’s creativity, humor, and sarcasm for years. Parody, satire, dozens, and other witty repartee have been our weapons. I usually win. He gives a good effort. Participation awards are still awards right?
One of my clever attacks was the creation of a miniature version of Tavis called Lil Tavvy. I created a series of short anecdotes describing the hijinks of this troubled youth. Below are the first installments of that series. All of them are based on the concept of the pun. I call it capital punishment.
The adventures of lil tavvy (tavis) #1: I walked in and he was on the living room floor yelling at Easter candy. I asked what he was doing. He said shouting out my peeps.
The adventures of lil tavvy (tavis) #2: lil tavvy and lil cp were excited cuz Unka Bluz was going to take them to get ice cream. Before they left they ran outside and rolled around in the yard. When they came back in Bluz asked what they were doing. Lil tavvy said riding dirty.
The adventures of lil tavvy (tavis) #3: Unka Bluz got a call from the police to come get lil tavvy. He was found rummaging thru the whole foods dumpster. Bluz asked him why. Lil tavvy said that lil cp told him to be a man he had to get some organic funk.
The adventures of lil tavvy (tavis) #4: I walked into the room and saw lil tavvy picking up a baby powder bottle, put it down on another part of the table, then check his pockets. I asked what he was doing. He said he heard you get money moving that white. I took his iPod. No more rap music for him.
The adventures of lil tavvy (tavis) #5: the doctor told lil tavvy he needed fruits and vegetables to grow up strong. So Unka Bluz said no more candy. The next day lil tavvy came home with a bag full of candy. Bluz was mad. Lil tavvy asked why was he mad? It was candy corn, orange slices, and Boston baked beans.
The adventures of lil tavvy (tavis) #6: lil tavvy and lil cp were playing super poets lil cp said “I’m Robert frost and I can control cold. then i freeze people with my ice ray and 19th century eloquence.” Then lil tavvy says “I’m Carlos Robeson. I fashionably draw attention then melodiously lull people into a false sense of security. Then I rob son!” Lil tavvy can’t spell.
The adventures of lil tavvy (tavis) #7: each morning Unka Bluz noticed that when lil tavvy would pour a glass of breakfast drink he would yell “woooo!” Finally one day Bluz asked why. Lil tavvy said he was part of the Wu Tang clan. Then he chopped Bluz in the throat and said “protect ya neck.”
The adventures of lil tavis (tavis) #8: lil tavvy was singing Irish show tunes and popping butterscotch in his mouth when Unka Bluz came in the room. Bluz asked what was he doing. Lil tavvy said drowning my sorrows. Getting white boy wasted.
The adventures of lil tavvy (tavis) #9: every night for 3 days after his bath Unka Bluz would help lil tavvy get dressed for bed. Once lil tavvy put on his underwear he would yell “ding!” And start punching Bluz in the stomach. It was cute at first, but got old and annoying quick. fed up, Bluz asked why. Lil tavvy said “I’m putting on boxer briefs.”
The adventures of lil tavvy (tavis) #10: Mr Q came in the house and saw lil tavvy in the living room wearing green pajamas with green face paint on stepping. Mr Q asked what was he doing? Lil tavvy said practicing. Mr Q asked for what? Lil tavvy said “for when I grow up and pledge gamma radiation and become a hulk. Greeeeen guy! I’m angry!”
The adventures of lil tavvy (tavis) #11: lil tavvy wanted to be a rapper. So Unka Bluz told him to try remixing a popular song first. A few hours later lil tavvy came back with this…. Put a roof on the cat, that’s a caterpillar/run the cat thru your hair that’s a catacomb/put the cat on the shelf, you got cataracts/write to dos on the cat, that’s a catalyst/put the cat on some wood, that’s a catalogue/put a cat in your award, that’s a catastrophe/put a cat in yo drink, it’s catatonic….cat, cat, cat, cat
The adventures of lil tavvy (tavis) #12: Lil Tavvy liked to go to the park. His favorite thing at the park was the carousel. He would put on two candy necklaces before he got on. Then as he rode he would yell, “I’m riding round and I’m getting it….I’m riding round and I’m gettin it!”
The adventures of lil tavvy (tavis) #13: Unka Bluz heard commotion in the back yard and walked out to see what was going on. Lil Tavvy and Lil CP were chewing bubbly yum and drinking Mr. Bubbles Bubble Bath. Bluz asked them what they were doing. Lil Tavvy said, “Trying to get the bubble guts. Mr Q said he had them and they sound like fun.”
The adventures of lil tavvy (tavis) #14: Unka Bluz came home and Lil Tavvy was sitting on the porch with his head in his hands and a sad look on his face. Unka Bluz asked Lil Tavvy what was wrong. Lil Tavvy said, “Melissa hurt my feelings during recess today.” Bluz asked what happened. Lil Tavvy said, “They were playing music and I went over to Melissa and gave her some silly bandz. But she didn’t dance. The song was wrong and now I’m outta silly bandz.”
The adventures of lil tavvy (tavis) #15: Lil Tavvy hated when his daddy B. Elzabub brought home new girlfriends. One afternoon Daddy left Lil Tavvy with his new girlfriend Chartruese and they were playing a game. Chartruese said to Lil Tavvy, “Lilkidwitabigheadsaywhat?” Lil Tavvy replied, “what?” and Chartruese laughed hysterically. Lil Tavvy, not to be outdone, looked at her and said, “Dumbladywhodon’tknowdaddysleepingwithherbestfriendNuNusaywhat?” Chartruese never played games with Lil Tavvy again.
The Adventures of Lil Tavvy #16: lil tavvy told Unka Bluz he wanted to be a poet when he grew up. Lil tavvy said, “I want to a great poet, with girth and reads. Could I do it?” Unka Bluz looked at him and said, “Mabrey.”
Adventures of Lil Tavvy #17: Mr. Q wondered why Lil CP and Lil Tavvy had been in the bathroom so long. He went to check. He saw Lil CP spraying Deer Antler Spray on Lil Tavvy’s face. He asked what in the hell were they doing. CP said, “This helps healing and the girls told Tavvy his face was hurt up.”
Adventures of Lil Tavvy #18: Ms Mek was walking down the sidewalk when she saw lil tavvy laying face down on 2 big boxes of twinkies on the porch. She asked, “boy what are you doing?” Lil tavvy said, “plankin!” Ms Mek replied, “plank? You the whole fleet! You armadaing.”
Adventures of Lil Tavvy #19: Lil Tavvy always had to wear hand me downs. So things never fit right. He had been given a pair of pants by cuzzin Filmo that stopped just below the calf. Lil CP said, “man, you can’t wear those to school.” Then lil tavvy responded, “These knickers can’t hold me back! Nooooo!”
Adventures of Lil Tavvy #20: The teacher gave lil tavvy detention for not doing his own homework. She asked who helped him. He said Unka Bluz, then asked how she knew. She read, “The movie Djenga is about how blacks were the building blocks of an oppressive south….” She then told tavvy he was better off doing his own work.
The Adventures of Lil Tavvy #21: lil tavvy was known to have the dragon breath so Ms Mek offered him a peppermint. He refused because he felt it would be spicy. He said, “I don’t know why the put pepper on the mint anyway.” Ms Mek smacked him in the back of the head.
The Adventures of Lil Tavvy #22: money was so tight at their house that when lol tavvy asked Unka Bluz for some foamposites, Unka Bluz gave him a bottle of shaving cream and a piggy bank. “Now you can all the foamposites you want.” Lil tavvy was not happy.